Should i expose affair

They know it will get a reaction out of you. Of course, relationships are complicated and there are many reasons a person may threaten divorce. I am simply offering a few generalizations based on my experience as someone who has helped many spouses manage this problem. In my experience, there are three general reasons why a person will threaten divorce.

Once you are reasonably certain of why your spouse is doing it, you can decide the best way to respond. Reason 1: They are self-focused and have little impulse control. Reason 2: They are frustrated and feeling unheard. As a result, they feel they are left with no option but to make a big noise — I want a divorce! A typical example is a spouse who, when confronted with their affair or friendship and a demand to end it, threatens divorce as a way to control the situation and get their partner to back off.

Again, there are many reasons a person may threaten divorce. It may be sincere or may be strategic. Instead, they will clearly articulate their decision and they will take steps to initiate a divorce. When it comes to divorce and threats of divorce, actions usually speak louder than words. So, does your spouse really want a divorce? And if they do, you will probably not change their mind. It also attends to issues, such as middle-aged crisis, and often does emphasize marital discord as a significant causal factor in the affair.

Cultural View: Affairs, in this view, are not seen as inherently pathological but are a quite normal and even a healthy part of marriage with some people or certain classes in certain cultures. Along these lines, the anthropological view also cites the Middle Eastern harem and many polygamous cultures as examples of cultures where multiple or extramarital partners are an accepted and normal practice, especially and often only for men.

Monogamy in the animal kingdom is so rare that those romantic Hallmark cards with pictures of swans or other types of lovebirds should more accurately feature the flatworm.

To a degree, on the other side of the debate is anthropologist Dr. Modern Culture and Media as a Promotional Culprit of Infidelity Affairs, in this view, are seen as a result of a permissive, modern, mass media culture that subtlety promotes affairs in the same way as it promotes violence.

We live in a society that is preoccupied with sex and commercializes this sexuality in any way and form possible. The Internet and its booming pornographic and sexual businesses have probably contributed not only to an epidemic of online affairs but also to real life affairs, as well. Affairs come in different formats. Not all affairs are the same: they serve different purposes, are carried on by different types of people, fueled by a variety of motivations and having different impacts.

One of the most apparent weaknesses in infidelity research and scholarly writing is the lack of differentiation between types of affairs. This has often lead to inaccurate, misleading and unhelpful generalizations or stat averages regarding the nature, implications and what constitutes effective intervention with affairs.

Understanding the individual, biographical, familial, marital and cultural-anthropological etiology of affairs is crucial to planning effective intervention. The types described below are neither always mutually exclusive nor presented in order of importance or frequency. Conflict Avoidance Affairs: Men or women who go to any lengths to avoid any and all marital conflicts sometimes resort to affairs to have their needs, which were not expressed to their spouses, met.

This type of affair usually does not last long and may repeat itself several times during the marriage. The affair serves as an emotional-relational barrier in the marriage.

This type of affair also usually does not last long and may repeat itself several times during the marriage. When both members of the couple are intimacy avoiders, this type affair can, in fact, help some couples sustain an emotionally distant marriage.

Individual Existential or Developmental Based Affair: Middle-age crises, empty nest, depression, sense of emptiness are factors that can fuel an affair.

A partner may turn to an extramarital affair as a way to affirm their sense of masculinity or femininity. Sexual Addiction Affairs: Sexual addicts, like any addicts, are compulsive and display poor impulse control.

Generally, among married couples, men are sexual addicts more often than women. Sexual addicts are compulsively attracted to the high and the anxiety release of sexual orgasm. But such release often comes with a price — feelings of shame and worthlessness. Accidental-Brief Affairs: This type of affair is neither planned nor characteristic of the person.

Curiosity, pity, drunkenness, and even politeness may lead to such a brief and often never to be repeated affair. Narcissistic and impulsive individuals may be especially prone to marital infidelity. Philanderers perceive extramarital sex as an entitlement of gender or status and often take advantage of opportunities without guilt or withdrawal symptoms.

This may be payback for the other person having an affair, withholding money, love, emotion or any another perceived wrongdoing. Bad Marriage Affairs: This kind of affair is a direct result of a bad marriage with poor communication, intimacy, support or sexuality.

It can also arise from incompatible cultural and familial values. Dissatisfied spouses who experience their partners as emotionally or sexually withholding or view their partners as easily sexualizing others or as moody are especially vulnerable to affairs. This can be a conscious or unconscious act intended to ensure that a backup relationship is in place before leaving the original marriage.

The left-partner often blames the affair rather than looking at how their marriage got to this point. Parallel Lives Affairs: These kinds of affairs include those who are involved in long term extramarital relationships while continuing to be part of the original marital dyad.

Such extramarital relationships are often known, accepted or tolerated by the spouse and other family members but are neither addressed nor talked about. Online Affairs: Online affairs have become extremely prevalent since the inception of the Internet and the proliferation of online dating, chatrooms and pornography.

Some have argued that online affairs pose the biggest threat to modern marriage since women entered the work force. Hundreds of thousands of web sites are primarily or exclusively designed to promote and financially benefit from pornography and eroticism and their frequent derivative, online affairs.

Online affairs may include watching partners online on video, communication via Instant Messaging, chatrooms, simple emails or via the telephone. Online affairs can be even more disruptive than any other form of affair because it can take place any time of the day or night and often takes place in the family home. The fact that there is no actual physical contact during the sexual act often intensifies the relationship and increases its potential to be highly disruptive to the individual and the family.

The frequency of this form of affair is likely to increase as the Internet grows and intrudes upon more aspects of personal and emotional lives. Consensual Extramarital Sexual Relationships: Sometimes the extramarital relationships are explicitly incorporated into the marriage life. Many couples in many cultures seem to accept infidelity as part of their marriage. An example of a consensual extramarital affair is the case when one spouse discovers later on in the marriage that they are gay but the couple decide to stay married for reasons that range from deep care and love for each other, children or taxes.

In such a case, the couple may decide to preserve the marriage and that each person may pursue extramarital sexual relationships.

Emotional vs. Sexual: Some authors have differentiated between emotional vs. The prediction is that before long they will initiate affairs as frequently as men. Research on gender differences in infidelity shows that the first few years of marriage are clearly a red zone. It reveals two distinct patterns in the timing of affairs.

Men have two high-risk phases, one during the first five years of marriage and again, after the 20th year. However in modern western cultures, the discovery of an affair often leads to a marital crisis. The literature about the crisis of affairs seems to consistently indicate that couples go through certain quite predictable phases in dealing with affairs. Following are the descriptions of certain phases that many couples go through when dealing with the crisis of a marital affair.

Initial Dealing with the Affair General Description:. Sometimes friends of those who have had affairs and have ended up being part of the cover up or in other roles, also report distress in therapy. Regardless of how the affair is introduced in therapy, therapists must attend to the following important issues:.

Seeing affairs ONLY as a personal failure of you or your spouse or your particular marriage inevitably leads to personal blame, personal shame, wounded pride, and almost universal feelings of devastation. Self-help strategies alone seldom bring full recovery from this experience, either as a couple or individually.

Recovery depends on getting beyond our strictly personal view of affairs and gaining an understanding of them within a broader framework.

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Learning objectives Describe the framework of addiction and how it impacts the couple system. New Customer? Introduction Infidelity, contrary to what most people assume, is neither rare nor exclusively male behavior nor is it certain to end the marriage.

Infidelity Myths Following are some of the most common myths or faulty beliefs about extramarital affairs and infidelity Research findings debunking these myths are presented in the next section and throughout this paper : An affair inevitably destroys the marriage. Human beings are naturally monogamous. Monogamy is the norm in our society and most other societies. Society, as a whole, supports monogamy. Men initiate almost all affairs. An affair always means there are serious problems in the marriage.

Infidelity is a sign that sex is missing or unsatisfactory at home. Women are more likely to have an affair because they feel unhappy in their marriages while men, on the other hand, will do it just for sex. Telling all the details of the affair to the betrayed spouse will help heal the marriage. Affairs should always be disclosed to the un-involved partner regardless of the potential for domestic violence or even murder when such disclosure take place.

Men are more concerned about their romantic partners having passionate sex with someone else, while women are more concerned that their partners are falling-in-love with someone else. Most people are monogamous, so an affair indicates a moral failure, character deficiency and a failure of the marriage. People generally seek in an affair what they do not get at home from their spouse.

Concerns about AIDS will reduce the frequency of affairs. Marital sex is always safe sex. Internet sex and Internet infidelity are not considered extramarital affairs. Extramarital affairs are never consensual. Top of Page Infidelity Facts Following are some basics facts about marital affairs and infidelity that often contradict and debunk the above myths: Most couples survive the affair rather than end up in divorce. Many couples, in fact, come out of the infidelity crises stronger and more committed.

Society gives lip service to monogamy, but actually supports affairs through role-models, advertisements, TV, news media, literature and the movies. Infidelity is an equal opportunity issue that cuts across gender lines, educational levels, sexual orientation, social and economic class and culture. Infidelity is a choice. Non-monogamous relationships are common in some gay communities. Some gay couples consciously, intentionally and systematically negotiate non-monogamous relationships.

The effect of infidelity can be negative, neutral or positive. Jealousy is biologically wired and also socially constructed. Modern western cultures tend to over-emphasize the importance of monogamy in marriage in comparison to values such as kindness and compassion. Many individuals who get involved in an affair have not been able to go beyond the romantic unrealistic and often short term ideal or falling-in-love phase that often characterizes the first phase of romantic relationships.

Sexual infidelity by a woman, either actual or suspected, significantly increases the likelihood of spousal battering and spousal homicide. No marriage is immune from affairs. Preventing infidelity requires ongoing, honest communication and commitment to sexually exclusive monogamy, among other measures.

As infidelity takes place in a certain social, historical and evolutionary context, no couple can fully understand why an affair happens by looking only at their own marriage. Some of the estimates in the United States are: 1 in every 2. Narcissistic individuals may be especially prone to marital infidelity. While some of those who were involved in affairs report high marital satisfaction, research has shown, not surprisingly, a general inverse correlation between marriage satisfaction and infidelity.

People having affairs tend to rationalize their behavior, and a part of that rationalization is ignoring or denying the possibility of any negative consequences, such as divorce or acquiring STD. Many researchers have found out that one can feel a strong attachment to the spouse and still be madly attracted to and romantically in love with someone else.

Contrary to one commonly held view, many people who report being in happy marriages commit adultery. Generally affairs that take place earlier on in the marriage are more highly correlated with dissatisfaction than those that take place later on in the marriage. Men in long-term marriages, who had affairs, had very high marital satisfaction.

On the other hand, women in long-term marriages who had an affair had very low marital satisfaction. Some research reports that extramarital sex can increase sexual activity within the marriage. The hydraulic pump theory that there is only that much sexual energy available and it is spent outside the marriage with nothing left for the spouse, has been debunked by several researchers.

Some affairs are better kept secret. Not all affairs must be disclosed. There are situations where disclosure can result in domestic violence or even murder or trigger extreme emotional response by the psychologically vulnerable un-involved partner. Some couples consent to extramarital affairs.

Sometimes the consent is implicit and at other times is explicit. It can be passive or actively and openly constructed. A striking paradox is that while polls indicate 90 percent disapproved of extramarital relationships, almost a third engaged in such relationships. Unlike what we may predict from analytic or behavioral therapies, there are no findings on the influence of parental infidelities on the likelihood of their children engaging in infidelity.

Having children increases the likelihood of marital affairs. Lifetime rates of infidelity are twice as high among men and women who have been divorced or legally separated. Not only did AIDS not reduce infidelity, in fact less than one-half of individuals reporting sex outside the marriage use condoms with their primary and secondary sex partners. Top of Page Approaches to Affairs and Infidelity Researchers, psychologists, anthropologists and clinicians significantly differ in their approaches to dealing with infidelity.

Top of Page Typology of Affairs Affairs come in different formats. Following are short descriptions of eleven different types of affair: 1. Travel, late night meetings and many other work-related activities significantly increase the possibilities for affairs. Women use the Internet in increased numbers, which opens endless possibilities to meet potential partners online and to have online or actual affairs.

There is a significant decrease of physical, negative legal and emotional consequences and risk for women found to be having an affair. While women still face physical risk if their husband finds out about their affair, long gone are the days of women automatically losing everything as a result of infidelity, including children, properties they owned prior to the marriage and even their lives.

The first written evidence of laws treating women as possessions of men dates to about B. Change has been gradual and slow to come. Women are more willing to risk divorce, as they are increasingly more capable of taking care of themselves and their children economically, physically and emotionally. There is a decreased pressure on women to serve primarily, or at all, in the role of mothers and home-keeper, which increase the risk of divorce.

Phase 1: Affair Takes Place General Description: Affairs can happen suddenly and unpredictably or can develop over a long period of time. They can last a very short time or a lifetime.

Unless it is an open affair, in most cases, secrecy, lies and deceit take a direct or indirect toll on the relationships. The nature of the affair often dramatically changes once the betrayed partner has discovered or is ready to confront the involved partner. The discovery can happen abruptly or it can evolve gradually over a period of time when suspicion grows and there is at last a realization that the affair is indeed taking place and confrontation ensues.

Often the discovery of an affair or the confrontation regarding an affair launches the couple into a marital crisis. Clinical Notes: Therapists may be privy to an affair before the uninvolved spouse when the unfaithful partner reveals the secret during individual therapy. Therapists should also try to identify the type of affair it is and sort out if it is driven by addiction, desire to score, midlife crisis, marital dissatisfaction, etc.

Therapists should attempt to be compassionate, understand the historical, cultural, marital, and other forces that may have contributed to the affair. Physical risk must be considered with women of certain cultures and situations. When therapists have an un-negotiated, moralistic, punitive or negative judgment regarding the affair, they should state it clearly to the client at the beginning of therapy and offer the client referrals to other therapists who may have a different attitude towards affairs.

Phase 2: Discovery, Confrontation and Crisis General Description: When a secretive extramarital affair comes to light, it often launches a marital crisis. The compromised partner often feels a sense of betrayal, violation, despair, hopelessness, rage, anger, revenge, fear i.

These reactions may resemble a response to catastrophic events. Common reactions to the loss of innocence are anguish, grief, distrust, anxiety, and shattered assumptions including obsessively pondering details of the affair; continuously watching for further signs of betrayal; and physiological hyperarousal, flashbacks and intrusive images. The betrayed spouse is often in a kind of shock during this phase. He or she may fear that they will be punished forever for the betrayal while they grieve for the lost dreams associated with the affair.

Additionally, the unfaithful partner may experience fear of losing important or meaningful relationships and may experience grief and anguish over the loss of the relationships. At this stage, the betrayed partner often seeks support and empathy from anyone who will listen. The involved spouse is often upset when the exposure exceeds his or her comfort zone or includes his or her own friends, family and even children. Basic disclosure of some aspects of the affair usually takes place at this early phase.

While X-rated details can be harmful, basic general information of when, where, how long, etc. Clinical Notes: Usually people seek help during this phase. More often than not, the betrayed spouse initiates the therapy. At this stage, the therapist may help the couple realize three important facts: Affairs are very common. An affair is not necessarily the end of the marriage. This is not the time to make major decisions, such as separating, filing for divorce or selling the house.

It is very important for the therapist to help the couple realize the importance of this last point regarding avoidance of decisions effecting the marriage or family. The therapist may be able to develop a hypothesis at this early phase establishing the type of affair being dealt with. While listening to the couple and reviewing their background information, the therapist should start hypothesizing whether the affair was a result of a sexual addiction, out of control online activities, marital dissatisfaction, retribution, etc.

Once the therapist gains some understanding of the history, nature and meaning of the affair, it may be possible to strategize a course of action with the couple. The therapist may guide each spouse to seek support and help from family and friends and help each spouse effectively deal with the, often overwhelming, emotions of betrayal, guilt, shame or anger.

The therapist must take into consideration that sometimes relief is the dominant feeling on the part of the involved, or even the betrayed, partner. The relief often stems from not needing to conceal the secret any longer or it may be a relief from an ambiguous and confusing state of affairs. The therapist may want to help the betrayed spouse avoid indiscriminately revealing the secret of the affair to every family member and friends of both spouses.

Initial Dealing with the Affair General Description: After the initial shock wave following the discovery or initial confrontation has passed, it is time for the couple to gain perspective to become more reflective. This is a time where people get some support to normalize their initial and often strong emotional reaction and to start thinking about the meaning and potential implications of the affair for themselves, the marriage and family, including children, parents, in-laws, etc.

This is a phase that often involves a lot of blame between the spouses with unresolved and often unspoken hurt often coming to the surface. It is of utmost importance to the potential positive future of the marriage for the involved spouse to focus ASAP on several initial issues: Cut off all contact with the lover, if possible. In an office affair, a complete disconnect is often not possible. In these situations, the involved spouse must promise that the romantic connection will be severed completely and all contact will be short and restricted to business matters.

Make a commitment to future honesty and marital integrity. Offer a sincere apology. Repeat the apology, as necessary. These safety issues must be addressed fully. After the affair is exposed, revealing some basic and general details is appropriate. This general information may include: How long did the affair last? How did it start? How often did the involved spouse meet with the lover? Who else knows about the affair?

The mandate of complete and explicit honesty, as advocated by several experts, seems to me unrealistic and potentially dangerous for the following reasons: Too many specific or graphic details can unnecessarily fuel fear and obsession and can be needlessly haunting to the betrayed spouse for a very long period of time.

Unfaithful women are in increased danger of domestic violence and even murder when an affair is revealed. Adding unnecessary details can increase such dangers. While the betrayed spouse may still be sitting on the fence regarding the future of the marriage, a commitment to the marriage on behalf of the involved spouse is essential so the process of healing can continue. In this third stage, a roadmap is provided for rebuilding the marriage if both partners are willing.

Some couples are not ready to re-commit but instead either consider separation or are willing to stay in the limbo of uncertainty. At this stage, couples tend to review the marriage from its inception and try to understand what happened and, if possible, why. The reason for the affair and the events that led to it may be clarified. Whether the affair was fueled by a midlife crises, empty nest, sexually withholding spouse, sex addiction or revenge, the likely factors that led to the affair should be acknowledge and attended to.

The injured partner also has difficult work to do. He or she may need to come down from the pedestal, drop the saint or martyr role, move past the anger and hurt, and, often, hardest of all, be willing to examine his or her role in the underlying marriage problems.

The betrayed spouse, hopefully, is now less obsessed with the affair and can focus on the big picture of the marriage and start feeling some forgiveness. Accordingly, different situations require different treatment plans: An affair that was driven by retribution, marital dissatisfaction or a withholding spouse should focus on marital therapy geared to increase effective communication, empathy, compassion and love.

A clear exit affair should be followed by therapeutic interventions that are meditative in nature. An affair that was driven by sexual addiction or by online obsession is most likely to benefit from couple therapy in conjunction with individual treatment for the involved spouse and his or her addictive or obsessive issues.

Therapists should help the couple further identify their concerns, hopes and goals. They should facilitate the individual and joint decision-making process regarding the future of the marriage so it is neither rushed nor impulsive. Extended family is more likely to be told in cultures where affairs are more commonplace. Class also plays a similar role. For some, keeping up appearances can feel more important than anything else.

It can be extremely anxiety provoking to imagine the shock, disappointment, criticism, and even rejection that might follow disclosure. However, you also may be surprised to find that after the initial shock, friends and family are more supportive than you would have imagined. It is important for you and your partner to evaluate the pros and cons of sharing what has happened with each important person in your lives, weighing the possible benefits and risks.

Something to consider is that in general, the more secret something is kept, the more shameful it becomes. No one volunteered that it made things worse. I have been with my wife for 42 years. I recently found out she had several affairs over the years.

One was with my best friend. I found out through a Facebook post where he responded to her comment saying he remembers her coming over one afternoon and making it so memorable for him.

I lost it and separated immediately. I also had a gut instinct she was doing my friend and then several people approached me and said you should keep an eye on your wife. I could not handle it and left her and now we are living miles apart. I am now on my healing journey and on the way to forgiving myself for the part I played, but I must also forgive her so I can move on. Yes it hurts but time to move on.

I have a girlfriend who has many exes, which is okay for me. I just want to ask if it is okay to keep our secret affair to her parents. So it jealousy? I trust her because she gave me something that is proof that we will be forever bound eternally not sex. Should I keep it this way, having a secret affair with their daughter? Day was December I insisted she tell our 3 teenage children limited information to ensure they knew they were not responsible for any deterioration in our marital relationship and she chose to tell her parents.

I told my mother and sister. We also told close friends, mutual friends and personal friends. Her bosses at work know. I have wanted to meet with the AP since the early days and am doing so tonight to discuss with him disclosing to his wife. Secrecy may be possible when there has been no discovery of an EA but I really firmly now believe even more than before, that following discovery one should be prepared and willing to be upfront and open.

For a BS…. I have been seeing a wonderful man for 6 months, he is divorced due to his wife having an affair. Is this normal? PS never done this before, hope I have posted in the right section.

When my now ex husband of a 17 year marriage, told me about the other woman, I crumbled. I never suspected or saw it coming. I tried everything i could for 6 months to save our marriage. I went to facebook and publicly outed him and her for the betrayal. She was married. He was married. I felt like there is no way in hell, after birthing 3 kids together and giving him half my life was he going to quietly tuck me away without accountability for his actions… so I exposed them both to the world….

By the way, he married her 5 days after the divorce finalized. He found out about it and we broke up over it. He thinks that I should tell him all the details every one of them and that my kids and parents should know about this as well.

Honestly, if our relationship was good — I would not have messed around to begin with! And this is not an excuse, by any means, to have an affair. I am very ashamed of myself for allowing this to happen and for hurting someone that I cared deeply for. I know you should be cautious as to who you talk to about your spouse cheating on you.